Vulnerability

“All people really wanted, Dorcas considered, was to be left alone.”

Diggers, by Terry Pratchett

If throughout your life you’ve learned that the Towns won’t be available when you need them, one option is to never go too far from them. Unfortunately, this approach keeps you from leveling up and defeating the BBEG. You end up becoming an NPC. And NPCs don’t save the world.

A different, also unhealthy, approach to this dilemma is to never depend on the Towns… or anyone else. You learn to rely only on yourself so that others won’t let you down. In Attachment Theory, “avoidance represents the extent to which individuals feel comfortable with closeness and interdependence or instead prefer distance and self-reliance.” (Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman)

Depending On Yourself

At first glance, this would seem to be a much better option: by relying on yourself, you’ll go out and level up without unreliable others to drag you down. But that also means that you’ll have to become a jack-of-all-trades.

“Metaphorically speaking, we view people with an avoidant attachment style as lonesome travelers on the journey of life and relationships.” (Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)

Playing Solo means you’ll have to be Tank, DPS, and Healer, all in one. And if you plan to rely on potions, think again: the only potions you’ll be able to use are the ones you loot or create yourself (if you have enough levels on that Skill). You won’t rely on the Towns or merchants, remember?

“Attachment-related avoidance is concerned with discomfort with closeness and with dependence on relationship partners, preference for emotional distance, and reliance on deactivating strategies.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Disguise Self as Secure

At least in the Western World, this idea of the independent, lone wolf is associated with mature, powerful, and secure individuals. So it’s no surprise that these attitudes would seem to come from a place of security. However, it’s just a disguise that even you may not see through.

“Avoidant people[‘s] reluctance to rely on others encourages them to inflate their positive self-views and suppress negative information about themselves.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

One of the ways to keep up this act is the Defensive Self-Enhancement Skill. According to Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver, here are 5 actions you can use by mastering this Skill to feel and seem more secure (ok, they don’t call it a Skill, but that’s how I’ll call it because it sounds cool and I like RPGs):

• defensive social comparison
• defensive self-handicapping
• the “better than average effect”
• the “I knew it all along” effect
• overclaiming personal responsibility for household activities shared with a romantic partner

In reality, they are nothing but illusions. Not real Skills you can use when encountering challenges. And because you’re not relying on others who may have the Skills you do need, you’ll often find Quests that you can’t complete or fights that you can’t win. Particularly within relationships. But that’s ok. Because you may believe you can simply Disengage.

Bonus Action: Disengage

Everyone faces challenges during Quests. And when a battle seems impossible, you can either look for help or avoid it altogether. The more you think others won’t be able to help you, the more you’ll choose to forget about the XP and the loot and simply move on rather than face that challenge. Because you can’t risk getting to 0 HP. There’s nobody to resurrect you.

“Avoidant people’s disengagement from frustrating activities is a defensive maneuver aimed at preventing further damage to a fragile sense of self-worth.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

But most people aren’t 100% avoidant, so you may still want to play with others. At a safe distance. Because “avoidance may generate simultaneous wishes to maintain a relationship and to control it in the interest of maintaining optimal distance. This kind of control is intended to quell fears of rejection while defensively avoiding intimacy and vulnerability.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

If you play a Healer, you’re still “a member of the Party”, leveling up “with others”, and you can still stay at a safe distance from any type of harm. It also lets you take care of your own wounds without depending on others. In fact, you may not want to play this type of character to take care of everyone, but rather to have control over who lives, and who… doesn’t. Just to increase your chances of survival. And if your party falls, you can always disengage and heal your wounds. By yourself, because everyone respawned somewhere else.

No Conflict = Low XP

Unfortunately, one common problem with Healers is their lack of ability to deal with conflict. At Level 1 you can heal yourself a bit, but you won’t have many tools to face challenging situations. Avoiding facing enemies also means you’re missing out on XP, keeping you as a low-level character, which reinforces your need to stay away from the same sources of XP that would help you level up!

In fact, people who score high on the avoidance spectrum “can dismiss the importance of a romantic partner’s feedback”, “score lower on tests of emotional intelligence”, “tend to exclude emotions from consciousness” and “exclude negative affect from awareness and [are] therefore less likely to use it in cognitive processing.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Every RPG player knows that if you want to gain Skills, sooner or later you’ll have to level up. Yes, some Skills you can buy, but… where do you get the gold from? Quests. And Quests often mean conflict. So unless you’re willing to risk conflict by getting close to others and being vulnerable, you’re unlikely to be able to beat the game. And you can’t avoid Quests forever.

The Fall

The avoidant strategy works great when you’re far from harm. Until you’re not.

“Under chronic, demanding stressful conditions, avoidant deactivating strategies seem to collapse, causing avoidant people to have even higher levels of distress than anxious people.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Imagine this: You want to go on a Quest to get some particular loot. It’s a Raid, so you can’t go solo. As a Healer, you stay at the back using your spells and Skills. But… you get surrounded by enemies on all fronts.

Your idea of ‘staying far from danger’ isn’t quite working. You look at your action bar, and you have nothing that can deal much damage. Ok. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Rather than depending on your teammates and asking them for help, you try to reach an empty area… through the swarm of enemies. Unfortunately, your defense is too low. “This is not how it was supposed to be,” you say, as you watch your HP bar reach 0 within seconds.

“Overreliance on fight-or-flight responses and neglect of attachment responses could reinforce anxieties and overreliance on facing difficulties alone, which can leave a person feeling fragile, isolated, and alienated.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Yes, you can use your Defensive Self-Enhancement Skill and blame your party for not doing their job. After all, your character is not built to face challenges. But at the end of the day, this illusion won’t make you stronger to face new Quests.

The truth is, you didn’t work with your team, and you didn’t ask for help. You never realized that your “defenses tend to collapse under intense or prolonged pressure” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

It’s Game Over. Unless… you learn to take on challenges, become vulnerable, and accept help from others.

Sources of security can also include communities. Join us on Discord to get support with your Quests!

Related Grimoires:

• Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• A Secure Base, by John Bowlby
• Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver
• Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman
• Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver
• Attachment Theory Applied, by Mario Mikulincer, Phillip R. Shaver
• Attachment in Psychotherapy, by David J. Wallin
• Wired for Dating, by Stan Tatkin, Harville Hendrix, and Helen LaKelly Hunt

More (Great) Stuff:

• Attachment Deep Dive, by Psychology in Seattle