Relationships

In RPGs, do you tend to play a Tank, close to the action and making sure all the monsters are focused on you, or do you prefer to be a Healer and stay far away so you don’t take damage? Most people choose DPS-focused characters (damage dealers), able to play at both short and long range.

And IRL, how close do you prefer to be to your relationships? Do you want to see others all the time, need to stay in touch constantly, often worried that they might walk away? In other words, have people described you as clingy or needy?

Or do you prefer to live life on your own, with some occasional contact but not having your relationships getting in the way? Are you the one labeling others as clingy or needy? Most people, though, are okay with both being close to others and being by themselves.

Attachment Theory describes these different approaches we have to our close relationships (and more!). And although Amir Levine and Rachel Heller do a great job at explaining it in their book Attached, let me butcher it for you using some RPG analogies:

Solo vs. Party

It’s easy to kill a few rats during the tutorial of an RPG as a solo player. But you can’t beat a raid boss unless you’re OP, which is not the case for most of us. And it lacks most of the fun of playing with others, anyway.

In real life, we tend to pair up and join parties to go on more Quests. We can depend on others, and they can depend on us. We just know we’ll have more fun with them than if we exclusively did things by ourselves.

And the more you trust your teammates, the more confidence you will have to go out and explore on your own. You know that whatever happens, they’ll have your back. This is called a Secure Base in Attachment Theory. It functions as a Town in an RPG: It’s where you can go back to recover, get new items, skills, and it’s a place safe from any monsters. A Secure Base is not actually a place, though. It’s a feeling you have with those in your life who fulfill that role.

But what happens when you’re afraid these attachment figures might be unavailable when you go out exploring dungeons? The Attachment System gets triggered.

How close do you get?

“The attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones.” It’s the way we react to feeling like we’re about to lose that Town to minions of the BBEG, or if our Party can’t help us kill those monsters while making sure we survive the fight.

Often the goal of RPGs is killing monsters. So let’s use the distance to those enemies as the distance you need to feel like you’re comfortably playing the game of attachment. After all, most of us want attachment figures, whether they’re parents, partners, friends, groups of belonging, or even pets. That’s the point of the game. However, not everyone enjoys having the same distance between themselves and their attachment figures.

If you’re a Tank (Anxious Attachment, a.k.a. Preoccupied), you’ll want to stay as close as possible to the action. As soon as the monsters look away to another player, you’ll do everything in your power to get them to focus their attention back on you. You will also trust that others will do the actual damage and healing. You’re pretty bad at both.

If you’re a Healer (Avoidant Attachment, a.k.a. Dismissive), you might want to keep a lot of distance to make sure you’re not hurt. You’ve learned that getting too close could mean harm. If any monsters go near you, you’ll likely run, teleport, or become invisible until you’re back at a safe spot. You might also think everyone else is an idiot who should stop taking so much damage, and why can’t the Tank just go somewhere else rather than stand next to you?! Enemies might target you and you might end up taking damage!

DPS (Secure Attachment) players tend to be comfortable with being close or far, healing, dealing damage, and protecting themselves. They may not excel at any, but they believe in their own Skills to do it all, as well as trusting the rest of the team to take care of them when push comes to shove.

Although much less common, n00bs (Disorganized Attachment, a.k.a. Fearful) haven’t had a chance to learn the game mechanics yet. They want to join in the fun but are afraid of their character dying. The way they use their skills might also be erratic. And it is. In a panic, they press any and all buttons. Even if that means hurting their own Party.

Choose Your Destiny

How you see yourself and those around you (a.k.a. your attachment figures) is called a Working Model of Self and Others. It “is a phrase that describes our basic belief system when it comes to (…) relationships. (…) The first order of business, therefore, is to become aware of the working model that governs your relationship behavior.” Attachment Style questionnaires measure your insecurity in both areas, resulting in your main Attachment Style for your different relationships.

If you don’t trust yourself, and others seem to have all the answers, your Attachment System will be triggered when you feel they could be inaccessible (Anxious Attachment). If you only trust yourself but not others (Avoidant Attachment), you’d rather stay independent and might want to have your own space (physically and/or emotionally).

If you tend to trust both (Secure Attachment) you’ll be comfortable being vulnerable and close as well as setting your boundaries. If you don’t trust either (Disorganized Attachment), you’ll likely have a harder time finding the right distance because you’re afraid of getting close, though you’d like to.

Of course, this also changes depending on who’s around you. If you’re playing with a Wizard who’s great at dealing damage but has only 4 HP, you might want to play a character closer to a Tank, keeping all the attention on you while they’re safe dealing damage. When everyone around you has masochistic tendencies, you might see yourself as the only rational player to bring some healing spells and stay far away. After all, only living characters can loot. Especially if you respawn far away.

If you’re about to yell at me that most characters aren’t 100% Tanks, Healers, or DPS, and that everyone has a certain level of n00bness in them, you’re right. Wizards might be able to deal a lot of damage but tend to be extremely weak so they better stay at the back next to the Healer. Paladins can heal themselves, and Clerics can deal quite a lot of damage. Everyone has a bit of every style in them, making it a spectrum instead of a perfect definition. The question is how much of each you have.

For more fun, Multi-Class!

While all playing styles have skills that might be useful, “the best predictor of happiness (…) is a secure attachment style.” So… should everyone else rage quit and uninstall the game? Not really.

In the same way that our Attachment Styles can slightly change depending on who’s around us, our overall Working Model can change with the different experiences we have throughout our lives. A Quest that ended in a TPK (Total Party Kill) can make us feel insecure about ourselves or others, leading to a Tank or Healer style of playing even if we always had DPS characters up until then. Repeat that a few times, and you might end up with an overall insecure attachment style.

On the other hand, we can always multi-class and learn DPS skills and strategies (even as a Tank, Healer, or n00b) that will get us closer to being great at playing solo or with others. This often involves taking the time to learn from other secure players (friends, family, partners, or therapists). This is called Earned Security, and it can be achieved by everyone with a bit of grinding and experiencing secure attachments.

A DPS Tutorial

In this grimoire, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller will take you through all the steps necessary to start Multi-Classing to a more Secure type of attachment in your romantic relationships. However, Attachment Theory can be applied to almost any part of your life. So regardless of the status of your Party, give it a read. Once you learn the ways you (and others) are insecure, you’ll gain some awesome skills to play the attachment game.

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Next Step: Dive Deeper into Attachment Theory with this blog series!

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If you want to discover your Attachment Style with your most important relationships, take this questionnaire and then let us know your results below! Does it make sense to you? What steps do you plan to take?

Related Grimoires:

• A Secure Base, by John Bowlby
• Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver
• Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman
• Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver
• Attachment in Psychotherapy, by David J. Wallin
• Wired for Dating, by Stan Tatkin, Harville Hendrix, and Helen LaKelly Hunt

More (Great) Stuff:

• Attachment Deep Dive, by Psychology in Seattle