Date Like A Nerd

Unlock Your Player 2!

Quest

Dungeons and Dragons + TTRPGs: Where to Meet Nerds

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with Sean (aka MrShickadance)

🎲 Want to find love but hate loud bars and clubs? Tabletop role-playing games like Dungeons and Dragons (DnD) could be your perfect anti-social social quest. But here’s the catch: you can’t just show up, roll a charisma check, and expect to find your Player 2. You need to actually make friends with the people behind the characters! 🧙‍♂️

🎮 In this episode, Sean (aka Mr. Shickadance), a Dungeon Master and content creator, breaks down exactly where to find TTRPG groups and how to use them to unlock your social tree. Whether you’re brand new to DnD or a veteran player stuck in the same campaign for years, you’ll discover how to expand your social network beyond that small party. 🗺️

🎲 Because if you only ever meet for game nights, you’ll never get to meet the players behind the characters. After all, what you do outside of the table is what turns your party members into real friends. And from there, you never know who you could meet. That’s where the real magic happens. 📝

📜 You’ll also learn the rules of etiquette before you even show up to your first session, so that you can maximize your chances of people looking forward to seeing you again. But what if you don’t want to see some of those new party members again? 🧟 You don’t have to make friends with anyone you don’t want. We explain the strategies you can use to make sure you surround yourself with people you like and who like you 🙂‍↕️

🔓 That’s what unlocking your social tree is all about: finding out those you get along with and then meeting their friends. No cold approaches. No loud bars or clubs. And no endless swiping only to get ghosted 👻

🎧 Ready to roll for initiative on your social life? Press Start now and start building your IRL party! 🗡️

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❤️ FREE GUIDE: 🎮
Where do nerds REALLY meet their Player 2?

I asked hundreds of nerds and made a guide based on those results.
Are you going to keep grinding without finding out the truth?

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Sean’s Links:

Related Episodes:

Timestamps for lazy nerds:

  • 00:00:00 Intro
  • 00:01:01 What are TTRPGs
  • 00:03:35 Joining A New Group
  • 00:07:45 Choosing Your Friends
  • 00:13:01 Taking Your Friends Out Of The Container
  • 00:15:57 TTRPGs Are Social Games
  • 00:20:19 Dating Between Players
  • 00:23:19 Be Open to Trying New Things
  • 00:27:08 Your First Character
  • 00:28:22 Where to Find A D&D Group
  • 00:35:41 Where to Find Sean

Beat the Fear of Rejection Through Your Gamer’s Journey

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with Dr. Daniel Kaufmann

If you want to approach people, start conversations, ask for a number, or invite them on a date, one of the most useful Skills you will need is resilience. In this interview, Dr. Daniel Kaufmann shares why many of us give up before even trying, and how video games can get us closer to achieving our goals in any aspect of our lives.

Part of the Hero’s Journey idea is that we as spectators can identify with the hero of a story and gain Skills and motivation to improve our lives. Video games take this concept to another level: we are the ones winning. Without us, the avatar would sit still and go nowhere.

This also implies that both you and your avatar will gain experience and get better as time goes by. Carol Dweck calls this the Growth Mindset. For some of us, this is an in-game lesson that we can take outside the virtual world. But for others, it’s not enough to compensate for decades of the Fixed Mindset discourse. Real life just doesn’t have the same opportunities and motivations as video games… unless we gamify it.

But this is only one of the many lessons you can learn from video games. So what will you do? Will you stay in your comfort zone or will you start working toward your dating goals?

Listen now and start leveling up with your Gamer’s Journey!

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❤️ FREE GUIDE: 🎮
Where (and How) to Meet Your Player 2 Organically

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Guest Bio

Dr. Daniel Kaufmann is a YouTube Partner as Dr. Gameology, where he teaches about the many positive elements of video games that help us overcome professional and personal journeys in real life.

He is an Associate Professor who’s helped develop programs for gaming and geek therapy training in clinical settings, and his publications cover video games, personality theory, online education, and counselor development. 

Dr. Kaufmann recently published the book The Gamer’s Journey, to help you turn the themes found in many video games into life lessons that can unlock your own potential. 

Timestamps for lazy nerds:

  • 00:00:00 Intro
  • 00:00:50 Bio
  • 00:02:01 How The Gamer’s Journey Can Improve Your Life
  • 00:08:14 The Fixed and Growth Mindsets
  • 00:17:00 Fear of Rejection
  • 00:24:05 Conversation Skills
  • 00:32:20 What Gives You Motivation
  • 00:37:41 Contact Info

💬 To practice your Conversation Skills with me every month for FREE, go to https://www.datelikeanerd.com/improv

Attachment Anxiety: Stuck in the Town

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“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door.”

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

The world can be scary. One wrong move and, puff! You’ve respawned. That’s why some people prefer to stay in the safety of the Town. But no matter how safe it may be there, there’s always the risk of it being attacked and taken over by enemies.

Attachment Anxiety is, broadly speaking, a measure of how worried you are about losing your sources of security even when there’s no real threat, because “an anxious person (…) sees danger in innocuous situations.” (Love Is Never Enough, by Aaron Beck)

Attachment Theory Expanded Book Cover

This fear, which includes fear of rejection, can lead to some very unhealthy behaviors to make sure you keep your attachment figures close to you as much as possible. But far from helping you get reassurance, these actions often cause more issues and reinforce the idea that you can’t get the protection you want.

“People high in attachment anxiety, who typically tend to hyperactivate attachment worries, may engage in intrusive, ambivalent, tense, and ineffective forms of proximity seeking, which can exacerbate rather than alleviate distress.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

The Detect Thoughts Illusion

This hypervigilance can make you recognize non-verbal expressions faster than others. But speed also comes with more errors. The idea that you ‘can tell how others feel’ is often just an illusion that feels like a successful Detect Thoughts spell. Often, the assumption is that whatever is going on inside the other person will result in them leaving you.

Cute ghost with a wizard hat and a halloween pumpkin bag

“More attachment-anxious participants perceived the onset of expressions of emotion earlier and made more errors in judging the particular emotion the face was expressing. That is, anxious people’s early recognition of emotional expressions seems to be a sign of heightened vigilance to emotional cues rather than a reflection of emotional sensitivity. (…) Their problems in decoding emotions seem to result from heightened vigilance to emotional cues and the resulting tendency to make premature judgments.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Attachment in Adulthood Book Cover

Armed with a false sense of security believing that you have so much empathy that you know exactly what the other person is thinking, you might rush to the wrong conclusion and act accordingly.

To make matters worse, when you truly feel that you know something to be true, it’s very hard to accept that you might be wrong. Even if you see proof that contradicts you.

Special Skill: Protest Behaviour

When the attachment anxiety level reaches a certain threshold,  you may gain the Protest Behavior Skill, which works like Taunt. Useful for many Tanks, its goal is making your target pay attention to you if they weren’t doing so.

Pixel Orc

“Attachment-anxious people who yearn for love and affection often try to maximize closeness even when their partner is unresponsive to bids for intimacy.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Originally, all this hyperactivating strategy was supposed to do was get the Attachment Figure to pay attention to you, be closer, and restore a sense of security. But just like taunting in games, it also creates aggro. Which often results in a battle where one or both of you will end up taking damage.

Since “anxious attachment interferes with the down-regulation of negative emotions and encourages intense and persistent distress” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver), the attention you get might not be enough. So you may end up using more protest behavior, which can bring you closer to losing that attachment figure, restarting the whole process.

Permission to feel book cover

Like a Barbarian using Rage, or worse, going Berserk, you may lose the ability to concentrate and think clearly. This, of course, then becomes a vicious cycle.

“Strong, negative emotions (fear, anger, anxiety, hopelessness) tend to narrow our minds.” (Permission to Feel, by Marc Brackett)

Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

Not trusting that your support systems will be there for you, you won’t go out, level up, or defeat the BBEG that threatens to destroy the world. And that means that when the Forces of Evil arrive to your Town, you won’t be ready.

If Frodo had stayed home, Sauron’s army would’ve eventually found him. Not even the Shire was safe from the long… eye of the Lord. And we would all be ruled by orcs even today. Not a nice environment if you want to find a date, in my opinion. Unless you like orcs (no kink-shaming).

Dynamics of Romantic Love Book Cover

“By basing their judgments of relationship quality on amplified perceptions of daily relationship conflict and strife, highly anxious individuals may unwittingly create what they fear the most-the destabilization of their romantic relationships.” (Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman)

Being able to temporarily leave the Town with the security that it’ll still be there to support you when you need is the best way to finally beat the game and save the world. Including the Town. Ironic, isn’t it?

Sources of security can also include communities. Join us on Discord to get support with your Quests!

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QuestFinder – Level 3: 2-Player Mode

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“Attractive men were not in plentiful supply in Lancre, where licking your hand and smoothing your hair down before taking a girl out was considered swanky.”

Carpe Jugulum, Terry Pratchett

Now that you’ve learned to play Solo and have been joining some Parties, you’ve unlocked the Skill to find the Arwen to your Aragorn. The Sam to your Frodo. The Gollum to your Sméagol.

PvP vs 2-P Co-Op

During your Quests you’ve probably come across players you’d like to play with in a more… intimate setting. So the question on the back of your mind might be “Do they want to play with me?” But before you even go there, you should ask yourself whether you’re playing a Player-vs-Player or a 2-Player Co-Op (Cooperative) game.

If, like me, you want a Player 2 instead of an enemy or the BBEG, you might want to go for the Co-Op version. Seeing others as rivals (PvP), you might assume each of you wants different things, and that you have to “convince,” “trick,” or “beat” them to get what you want. Keep in mind that the Charm Person spell has a limited duration… and charmed characters are quite boring to interact with, anyway. So why not find someone looking for another player to form a Party with, and who’s also wondering if you’d be a good addition to their Campaign?

This doesn’t mean being naïve and assuming everyone has the same intentions as yours, but it does mean at least trying to find out if they do. Without playing games and trying to trick anybody. Especially if you’re a dwarf, “a race to whom the aforesaid art of seduction consisted in the main part of tactfully finding out what sex, underneath all that leather and chain-mail, another dwarf was.” (Terry Pratchett)

That’s where being vulnerable, clear, and honest is critical. Regardless of how much beard you have.

Rejection Immunity

“If you aren’t attached to outcomes, rejection doesn’t hurt.” (Robert Glover)

Unlike asking groups to join a Raid (a multi-player Quest), inviting a single player on a 2-Player Quest is a much more vulnerable act. It can force them to give you a direct answer, which can make you feel rejected if they decline. But that’s ok. What you’re actually looking for is an answer, not an outcome. If you’ve mastered QuestFinder Level 1 and Level 2, this next step will be much easier.

The Life you gained in Level 1 will keep your mind from obsessing about results. Guard that Life as if your… life depended on it. The players you’ve met in Level 2 can act as your secure base from which to explore. Return to them often in both good and bad times. If you’re turned down, you’ll have enough things to do and people to help you recharge your HP.

“If you try to have a romantic relationship meet your needs for healing, it is not going to work. You need a support system to ground you so that you can make choices out of strength, not weakness or dependency. Dating was never meant to cure aloneness.” (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)

If you’re busy and supported enough, it’ll also be easier for you to detach from any outcome. Not expecting any result means you won’t feel like you failed, because you weren’t expecting anything.  In fact, often the response has nothing to do with you. “Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don’t take it personally.”  (Don Miguel Ruiz)

Just make the goal to ask. If you ask, give yourself some XP on the QuestFinder Level 3 Skill. No matter what the answer is.

Everyone’s an NPC (until proven otherwise)

How attached are you to how NPCs respond when you “Talk” to them? Probably not very much. Unless they’re a certain drow with two scimitars who can kick any enemy’s ass but won’t join your Party regardless of the dialog option you choose. Yes. I’ve tried.

So, you’ve likely spent hours approaching countless NPCs (and some may have approached you). Most often you probably got a single line of dialogue as a response. Sometimes you received a really interesting Quest that resulted in great Loot. Seldom you got amazing new Party members. And other times you found new enemies to get XP from. But I doubt you felt particularly disheartened about any one particular interaction.

So take the same approach. Treat everyone as an NPC until they’ve earned a place in your life. When you reach a new map for the first time (a class, meeting, or any activity), talk to at least a few new NPCs. The only difference is that, in this case, you might be the one inviting them to join you on a Quest. If you want to.

This is Robert Glover’s idea of testing for interest: You know what you want to do. All you want to ask is if they’d like to join you (on a Quest you’d go on anyway, even if it means playing Solo).  Whether they do or don’t join your Party, you’ve found your answer.

“A [person] either has high interest in you or [they have] low interest. It isn’t personal either way. Don’t try and figure out why.” (Robert Glover)

Don’t Skip Dungeon Levels

You met someone, liked their weapons, armor, and skin, but know nothing about them. And vice versa. Neither of you can know if the other is a good player to party with until you see each other in action.

Are you sure they’re a good match for your playing style and your Character? Do they really want to venture into some unknown dungeon with someone who might have no skills that can complement their Character?

That’s why they may be more willing to join you on a short Quest to gather some berries rather than slaying a black dragon. And you’ll at least start to get an idea of who they are.

So just start small. Come up with something simple you both might enjoy. Test for interest. See if they’re receptive, neutral or unreceptive to spending more time with you. It’s the same as QuestFinder Level 1, but instead of Quests you’re using it to find Players. If you start from curiosity instead of jumping straight to the Main Quest, you’ll be able to tell if they’re someone you want to keep around or not. And they’ll do the same with you.

Keep it simple. Keep it small.

Try Again Later

Some NPCs reactions to you depend on external triggers. Some of those triggers are under your control. Some are not.

You may have to finish a different Quest first, like looking the part or at least taking a shower. Or maybe it’s a time-sensitive event (you’re either too early or too late). Perhaps you chose the wrong dialogue line. Or your Party is made up of the wrong members. Or Mercury is in retrograde and the Moon is in Aquarius, whatever that means. Unfortunately, in most cases, you’ll never know. And that’s ok.

“When we dare greatly we will err and we will come up short again and again. There will be failures and mistakes and criticism. If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can’t equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging, and joy. If we do, we’ll never show up and try again.” (Brené Brown)

Unless they’ve clearly said “Never,” you can keep politely inviting them to join you on other Quests. Without resentment or attachment to outcome. Until you’ve decided that you’ve had enough or they’ve said yes. By the same token, them saying “Yes” today doesn’t mean they’re bound to agree again later, and they’re also free to cancel. When to give up trying is up to you.

And if they agreed to join you on one specific Quest, that’s what they said “Yes” to. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t look into it. Don’t overthink it. Don’t expect them to go dragon-slaying with you just because it’s on the way to picking some berries. If they do, great. But they agreed to berry-picking. So expect to go berry-picking.

Now go out, live your life adventuring solo, go on Raids with your group, and invite someone to pair up with you. Give them the chance to say Yes.

Are you ready to venture on 2-Player Quests? Need a little help finding Players to join you? Check out this Walkthrough made just for you!

Useful Grimoires:

QuestFinder – Level 2: Party Version

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“The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.”

Terry Pratchett, Jingo

Bilbo didn’t go on the Quest alone. Bilbo had a group of dwarves who ate all his food and trashed his house… I mean gave him support throughout the journey. Frodo had Aragorn’s sword, Gimli’s axe, Legolas’ bow, and Gollum’s two personalities. Though those last two weren’t official party members.

The point is that just like Bilbo, your Quest will be much easier and more fun if you get a group to accompany you. If you’ve leveled up the QuestFinder Level 1 Skill, you’ve been doing Quests for yourself. Maybe you were being exposed to other players while doing them. Maybe some of them invited you to join their Party. Maybe not, but that’s ok. You leveled up and have a better idea of what you like and what you don’t. That’s all that matters.

Now, it’s time to create your own Party. Or, maybe even, your own Guild.

Party Time!

When you take on Quests, you’ll be going out of your comfort zone. You’ll find monsters, and get your HP drained and your ass kicked more often than not. All in exchange for XP and loot. But sooner or later, you’ll reach unbeatable Bosses. You might feel frustrated and want to quit.

So when the going gets tough, one option is to “surround yourself with people who have the habits you want to have yourself. You’ll rise together. (…) It’s friendship and community that embeds a new identity and help behaviors last over the long run.” (James Clear)

This is especially true if you’re looking to level up specific Skills (or get rid of some debuffs from bad habits). Find (or create) groups that are looking for the same Quests you are. If you’re learning a Skill, you can learn from the top players, as well as by teaching the n00bs.

Your new party can also serve as a secure base to give you the support you might need when desperation hits. Maybe they have items you can borrow, skills to teach you, or they may even join your Quest. You can ask questions, get feedback, or someone may even show you a walkthrough to make your Quest much easier. Being vulnerable and asking for support is one way to achieve true belonging in a group.

Honest Partying

“True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are.” (Brené Brown)

It’s not about losing yourself to fit in; but about finding how your honest self fits in. Unlike in real life, in RPGs you rarely see repeated races or classes within the same Party. If someone chooses a dwarf, someone else might be an elf, another a hobbit, and so on. Except for humans… you don’t often see humans (who’d play a human, honestly?) So, why not do the same with your own Quests?

Having different characters take part in the same Quest means you’ll have a wider range of Skills to choose from depending on the challenges you’re facing. You may not have range attacks, but someone else might. If you’re a wizard, why not bring along a barbarian to be the tank?

This way, you’re distributing the load of your (and everyone’s) lives. You won’t depend on a single party member (or, worse, yourself alone) and it will make it easier for you to keep your boundaries intact when facing difficult Quests. “Having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone. Then, when one person can’t be there for us, there’s another phone number to call.” (Henry Cloud and John Townsend)

Leading or Following

It can often feel like everyone else knows what they’re doing except you. But in many cases, everybody’s just as lost as you, hoping for someone else to take the lead and propose something. Anything! It doesn’t really matter if it’s the right direction, as long as it’s any specific direction. Because “the important thing about being a leader is not being right or wrong, but being certain.” (Terry Pratchett)

It’s as easy as looking into your list of Quests from your QuestFinder Level 1 Skill (Quests you already want to do by yourself), and asking if anybody wants to join you.

And don’t think of this as a dictatorship where you’ll suddenly start annoying everybody and become the BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy) instead of the Hero. After all, even Heroes must set a direction when bringing others to battle with them. It’s everyone else’s choice to follow or not.

Finally, leadership within a group is also flexible. You proposing today’s Quest doesn’t mean you’ll have to come up with tomorrow’s, or next week’s, or month’s, or year’s.

So start building a group of people with different backgrounds, Skills, and characteristics who are united by the only reason to go on a Quest.

All you need to do is share what you’d like to do, and ask if anyone would like to join you. That’s. It.

If you’re ready to start creating your own party and want a step-by-step tutorial, click below to get the party started!

Useful Grimoires:

QuestFinder – Level 1: Single Player Mode

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Living an amazing life sounds like a very tall order. And it is, if you’re looking at the top of the mountain from the comfort of your couch. But remember that you should always start playing the easiest level first (or the Tutorial!) to start getting closer to the top. One achievement at a time. One XP at a time. One Quest at a time.

So start small. Start slow. And build up from there.

Start with curiosity

Part of the reason choosing a Quest feels like trying to beat the BBEG (Big Bad Evil Guy/Gal) before you’ve left the first Town, is that we often look at the map upside down. We ask ourselves “What am I passionate about?” when, the truth is, if you’ve been sitting on the couch for long enough, you’re probably only ‘passionate’ about videogames and Netflix.

Steven Kotler suggests we start with curiosity, instead. So when you’re looking for potential Quests, don’t wonder if it’s something you’re passionate about. Look for Quests that spark an “I wonder if I could eventually enjoy this.” Notice that this is not a “will enjoy,” but rather a “could eventually enjoy.” Because the truth is, when you do something for the first time, you’ll probably suck. A lot. The key is to keep sucking at it long enough to not suck anymore.

And once you don’t suck anymore… well, that’s when the magic happens. That’s when you’ll start to really enjoy it. That’s when you learn that the Lonely Mountain where Smaug lives is reachable. That the Loot is just one hairy foot away. And, probably, where you’ll find Passion.

Play Solo

Yes, ultimately you want to go on Quests with a Party. But nobody likes a leech. And taking a Quest that you don’t enjoy is a recipe for disaster. Remember, this is about YOU creating YOUR great life and inviting others to join you. Depending on others to make your life interesting is needy (and leechy).

But there’s a caveat, called the “dependency paradox” in attachment theory literature: “It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on.” (Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller)

It’s ok (and normal) to depend on your Party (after all, that’s why you joined forces, right?). By knowing that the Healer has your back, the fighters can attack. By knowing that the Tank will keep all the enemies’ attention, Wizards can cast time-consuming spells. We all depend on each other. Dependency is why we’re in the same Party. What’s NOT ok is for your Character to stand back and watch  while the Barbarian has 1 HP left and three orcs chasing him. That’s a player that will get kicked out. Or PK’d. Or looted. Or all of the above.

So bring something to the table. Give people reasons to want to hang out with you. That is something only you can do. By creating your own attractive lifestyle first, you’ll be able to find others who will be the icing to your cake.

Get. Moving.

Find something you want to explore. Start with curiosity. And although the best choice is to get out of your house, there are many online alternatives to get you started slowly. Especially since covid.

And don’t wait until you “feel like it.” Because you probably won’t. It’s your own responsibility to beat the Procrastination Dragon. Just add it to your calendar and do it. You’ll probably “feel like it” after you get started.

Just as Bilbo was reluctant but left the Shire, you can do this as well. If you need a Gandalf to give you a push,  reach out to a friend to either join you or keep you accountable. And depending on your fandom, always remember to bring a towel, rope, or potatoes. Whatever works as long as you get moving.

Need some ideas? Get our get-off-your-“but” guide to help you unlock the first level of the QuestFinder Skill! Then, check out the next post in this series to add new members to your Party!

Useful Grimoires: