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Attachment

Two Nerds Afraid of Rejection Who Wouldn’t Be Engaged Without Their Friends

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the Nerd Love Story of CJ and Ajax

🤨 Do you need friends if you want to find your Player 2? Not necessarily. But they can certainly help! From making introductions to inviting you to the right place at the right time, helping you overcome your fear of rejection, or dating one of them, friends can be the pathway to marriage. CJ and Ajax’s story is one of the best examples. It includes every single one of these! ✅

💌 In this episode, CJ shares how they met through a friend in common but couldn’t make a move, afraid that they’d get rejected 👻

Fortunately, they had friends who refused to let them miss their shot. Not once. Not twice. Three times, their friends stepped in at just the right moment to keep the story moving forward 💪

👀 Because here’s the thing nobody talks about: your social circle isn’t just where you find dates. It’s the supporting structure that makes dating possible in the first place. Without it, two people who were clearly meant to be together and lived 15 minutes away from each other might have stayed strangers forever.

🎧 Press Start and discover how finding the right friends can lead you to love! ❤️

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❤️ FREE GUIDE: 🎮
Where do nerds REALLY meet their Player 2?

I asked hundreds of nerds and created a guide based on their responses.
Are you going to keep grinding without finding out the truth?

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Calix and Ajax’s Links:

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Timestamps for lazy nerds:

  • 00:00:00 Intro
  • 00:00:43 What Makes Calix a Nerd
  • 00:02:09 Don’t Hide That You’re A Nerd
  • 00:05:27 How it Started
  • 00:10:51 Cosplay Conversations
  • 00:16:42 Moving Things Forward
  • 00:19:50 Convention
  • 00:25:47 Friend Intervention #2
  • 00:30:17 First Date Invite… As Friends
  • 00:37:39 Friend Intervention #3
  • 00:39:07 Failed Confession
  • 00:41:15 Friend Intervention #4
  • 00:45:36 Previous Dating Experience
  • 00:48:48 Finding His Person
  • 00:54:34 Closing

The Hidden Cost of Finding Love With Red Pill Dating

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John’s Nerd Love Story

💊 What happens when red pill advice “works”? John thought he’d found the cheat code to dating when his nerdy high school friend got a girlfriend using pickup artist tactics. But after years of grinding bars and clubs, he discovered the hidden costs of building relationships on a foundation of masks 🎭

👨‍💻 In this episode, a 40-something programmer shares his journey from socially isolated nerd to pickup artist practitioner to married father, and the unexpected ways those dating experiences still affect his relationships today. John also opens up about performance anxiety, avoidant attachment, and the challenge of taking off the masks he’s worn for so long 👺

🥷 We explore the darker side of the pickup artist and red pill communities: the confidence that’s really avoidance, the “success” that leads to deeper insecurity, and why pretending to be someone else can make it impossible to believe anyone could love the real you 😰 John’s story reveals how the very techniques designed to help socially awkward nerds connect actually prevented him from forming the deep, trusting relationships he was seeking.

🛑 But this isn’t just a cautionary tale. John also shares what he’s learned through therapy about attachment theory, the importance of authentic friendship-first connections, and why the journey to genuine intimacy is worth the work. Even if you’re approaching 50 and still figuring it out! 👴

👯‍♀️ If you’ve ever been tempted by pickup artist or red pill advice, wondered why mainstream dating tips don’t work for nerds like you, or struggled with feeling like you have to perform to be loved, John’s honest reflection offers both validation and hope.

🎧 Press Start to discover why leveling up your game may not be worth the grind! 💪

❤️ FREE GUIDE: 🎮
Where do nerds REALLY meet their Player 2?

I surveyed hundreds of nerds and made a guide based on those results.
Are you going to keep grinding without finding out the truth?

FREE DOWNLOAD

Related Episodes:

Timestamps for lazy nerds:

  • 00:00:00 Intro
  • 00:02:22 What Makes “John” A Nerd
  • 00:05:42 Dating On The Spectrum
  • 00:10:31 Intro To The Pickup Artist Scene
  • 00:14:53 Becoming Someone Else
  • 00:19:51 Introverts Do Find Love
  • 00:23:19 Dating Success But Performance Anxiety
  • 00:29:32 The Source Of Insecurity
  • 00:35:58 Marriage Problems
  • 00:41:18 Fake It Till You Make It
  • 00:46:14 Becoming Confident
  • 00:52:51 The Real Red Pill
  • 01:01:15 Closing

Attachment Avoidance: There is No Town

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“All people really wanted, Dorcas considered, was to be left alone.”

Diggers, by Terry Pratchett
A field with grass, a tree, sun and sky.
No Towns or Support

If throughout your life you’ve learned that the Towns won’t be available when you need them, one option is to never go too far from them. Unfortunately, this approach keeps you from leveling up and defeating the BBEG. You end up becoming an NPC. And NPCs don’t save the world.

A different, also unhealthy, approach to this dilemma is to never depend on the Towns… or anyone else. You learn to rely only on yourself so that others won’t let you down. In Attachment Theory, “avoidance represents the extent to which individuals feel comfortable with closeness and interdependence or instead prefer distance and self-reliance.” (Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman)

Depending On Yourself

Book cover of Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

At first glance, this would seem to be a much better option: by relying on yourself, you’ll go out and level up without unreliable others to drag you down. But that also means that you’ll have to become a jack-of-all-trades.

“Metaphorically speaking, we view people with an avoidant attachment style as lonesome travelers on the journey of life and relationships.” (Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller)

Playing Solo means you’ll have to be Tank, DPS, and Healer, all in one. And if you plan to rely on potions, think again: the only potions you’ll be able to use are the ones you loot or create yourself (if you have enough levels on that Skill). You won’t rely on the Towns or merchants, remember?

Male Character with Gun, Rapier, and eyepatch.
If you decide to play solo, you’ll have to multiclass… a lot

“Attachment-related avoidance is concerned with discomfort with closeness and with dependence on relationship partners, preference for emotional distance, and reliance on deactivating strategies.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Disguise Self as Secure

At least in the Western World, this idea of the independent, lone wolf is associated with mature, powerful, and secure individuals. So it’s no surprise that these attitudes would seem to come from a place of security. However, it’s just a disguise that even you may not see through.

Attachment Theory Expanded Book Cover

“Avoidant people[‘s] reluctance to rely on others encourages them to inflate their positive self-views and suppress negative information about themselves.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

One of the ways to keep up this act is the Defensive Self-Enhancement Skill. According to Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver, here are 5 actions you can use by mastering this Skill to feel and seem more secure (ok, they don’t call it a Skill, but that’s how I’ll call it because it sounds cool and I like RPGs):

  • defensive social comparison
  • defensive self-handicapping
  • the “better than average effect”
  • the “I knew it all along” effect
  • overclaiming personal responsibility for household activities shared with a romantic partner

In reality, they are nothing but illusions. Not real Skills you can use when encountering challenges. And because you’re not relying on others who may have the Skills you do need, you’ll often find Quests that you can’t complete or fights that you can’t win. Particularly within relationships. But that’s ok. Because you may believe you can simply Disengage.

Bonus Action: Disengage

Everyone faces challenges during Quests. And when a battle seems impossible, you can either look for help or avoid it altogether. The more you think others won’t be able to help you, the more you’ll choose to forget about the XP and the loot and simply move on rather than face that challenge. Because you can’t risk getting to 0 HP. There’s nobody to resurrect you.

“Avoidant people’s disengagement from frustrating activities is a defensive maneuver aimed at preventing further damage to a fragile sense of self-worth.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

But most people aren’t 100% avoidant, so you may still want to play with others. At a safe distance. Because “avoidance may generate simultaneous wishes to maintain a relationship and to control it in the interest of maintaining optimal distance. This kind of control is intended to quell fears of rejection while defensively avoiding intimacy and vulnerability.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Fantasy Cleric Illustration

If you play a Healer, you’re still “a member of the Party”, leveling up “with others”, and you can still stay at a safe distance from any type of harm. It also lets you take care of your own wounds without depending on others. In fact, you may not want to play this type of character to take care of everyone, but rather to have control over who lives, and who… doesn’t. Just to increase your chances of survival. And if your party falls, you can always disengage and heal your wounds. By yourself, because everyone respawned somewhere else.

No Conflict = Low XP

Unfortunately, one common problem with Healers is their lack of ability to deal with conflict. At Level 1 you can heal yourself a bit, but you won’t have many tools to face challenging situations. Avoiding facing enemies also means you’re missing out on XP, keeping you as a low-level character, which reinforces your need to stay away from the same sources of XP that would help you level up!

Book cover of Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver

In fact, people who score high on the avoidance spectrum “can dismiss the importance of a romantic partner’s feedback”, “score lower on tests of emotional intelligence”, “tend to exclude emotions from consciousness” and “exclude negative affect from awareness and [are] therefore less likely to use it in cognitive processing.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Every RPG player knows that if you want to gain Skills, sooner or later you’ll have to level up. Yes, some Skills you can buy, but… where do you get the gold from? Quests. And Quests often mean conflict. So unless you’re willing to risk conflict by getting close to others and being vulnerable, you’re unlikely to be able to beat the game. And you can’t avoid Quests forever.

The Fall

The avoidant strategy works great when you’re far from harm. Until you’re not.

“Under chronic, demanding stressful conditions, avoidant deactivating strategies seem to collapse, causing avoidant people to have even higher levels of distress than anxious people.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Imagine this: You want to go on a Quest to get some particular loot. It’s a Raid, so you can’t go solo. As a Healer, you stay at the back using your spells and Skills. But… you get surrounded by enemies on all fronts.

A plan that doesn’t always work

Your idea of ‘staying far from danger’ isn’t quite working. You look at your action bar, and you have nothing that can deal much damage. Ok. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Rather than depending on your teammates and asking them for help, you try to reach an empty area… through the swarm of enemies. Unfortunately, your defense is too low. “This is not how it was supposed to be,” you say, as you watch your HP bar reach 0 within seconds.

“Overreliance on fight-or-flight responses and neglect of attachment responses could reinforce anxieties and overreliance on facing difficulties alone, which can leave a person feeling fragile, isolated, and alienated.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Yes, you can use your Defensive Self-Enhancement Skill and blame your party for not doing their job. After all, your character is not built to face challenges. But at the end of the day, this illusion won’t make you stronger to face new Quests.

The truth is, you didn’t work with your team, and you didn’t ask for help. You never realized that your “defenses tend to collapse under intense or prolonged pressure” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

It’s Game Over. Unless… you learn to take on challenges, become vulnerable, and accept help from others.

Sources of security can also include communities. Join us on Discord to get support with your Quests!

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Attachment Anxiety: Stuck in the Town

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“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door.”

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

The world can be scary. One wrong move and, puff! You’ve respawned. That’s why some people prefer to stay in the safety of the Town. But no matter how safe it may be there, there’s always the risk of it being attacked and taken over by enemies.

Attachment Anxiety is, broadly speaking, a measure of how worried you are about losing your sources of security even when there’s no real threat, because “an anxious person (…) sees danger in innocuous situations.” (Love Is Never Enough, by Aaron Beck)

Attachment Theory Expanded Book Cover

This fear, which includes fear of rejection, can lead to some very unhealthy behaviors to make sure you keep your attachment figures close to you as much as possible. But far from helping you get reassurance, these actions often cause more issues and reinforce the idea that you can’t get the protection you want.

“People high in attachment anxiety, who typically tend to hyperactivate attachment worries, may engage in intrusive, ambivalent, tense, and ineffective forms of proximity seeking, which can exacerbate rather than alleviate distress.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

The Detect Thoughts Illusion

This hypervigilance can make you recognize non-verbal expressions faster than others. But speed also comes with more errors. The idea that you ‘can tell how others feel’ is often just an illusion that feels like a successful Detect Thoughts spell. Often, the assumption is that whatever is going on inside the other person will result in them leaving you.

Cute ghost with a wizard hat and a halloween pumpkin bag

“More attachment-anxious participants perceived the onset of expressions of emotion earlier and made more errors in judging the particular emotion the face was expressing. That is, anxious people’s early recognition of emotional expressions seems to be a sign of heightened vigilance to emotional cues rather than a reflection of emotional sensitivity. (…) Their problems in decoding emotions seem to result from heightened vigilance to emotional cues and the resulting tendency to make premature judgments.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Attachment in Adulthood Book Cover

Armed with a false sense of security believing that you have so much empathy that you know exactly what the other person is thinking, you might rush to the wrong conclusion and act accordingly.

To make matters worse, when you truly feel that you know something to be true, it’s very hard to accept that you might be wrong. Even if you see proof that contradicts you.

Special Skill: Protest Behaviour

When the attachment anxiety level reaches a certain threshold,  you may gain the Protest Behavior Skill, which works like Taunt. Useful for many Tanks, its goal is making your target pay attention to you if they weren’t doing so.

Pixel Orc

“Attachment-anxious people who yearn for love and affection often try to maximize closeness even when their partner is unresponsive to bids for intimacy.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Originally, all this hyperactivating strategy was supposed to do was get the Attachment Figure to pay attention to you, be closer, and restore a sense of security. But just like taunting in games, it also creates aggro. Which often results in a battle where one or both of you will end up taking damage.

Since “anxious attachment interferes with the down-regulation of negative emotions and encourages intense and persistent distress” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver), the attention you get might not be enough. So you may end up using more protest behavior, which can bring you closer to losing that attachment figure, restarting the whole process.

Permission to feel book cover

Like a Barbarian using Rage, or worse, going Berserk, you may lose the ability to concentrate and think clearly. This, of course, then becomes a vicious cycle.

“Strong, negative emotions (fear, anger, anxiety, hopelessness) tend to narrow our minds.” (Permission to Feel, by Marc Brackett)

Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

Not trusting that your support systems will be there for you, you won’t go out, level up, or defeat the BBEG that threatens to destroy the world. And that means that when the Forces of Evil arrive to your Town, you won’t be ready.

If Frodo had stayed home, Sauron’s army would’ve eventually found him. Not even the Shire was safe from the long… eye of the Lord. And we would all be ruled by orcs even today. Not a nice environment if you want to find a date, in my opinion. Unless you like orcs (no kink-shaming).

Dynamics of Romantic Love Book Cover

“By basing their judgments of relationship quality on amplified perceptions of daily relationship conflict and strife, highly anxious individuals may unwittingly create what they fear the most-the destabilization of their romantic relationships.” (Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman)

Being able to temporarily leave the Town with the security that it’ll still be there to support you when you need is the best way to finally beat the game and save the world. Including the Town. Ironic, isn’t it?

Sources of security can also include communities. Join us on Discord to get support with your Quests!

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Attachment Insecurity: The Town is Under Threat

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“Come on. Let’s run away.”
“Where to?”
(…) “Don’t you worry about to,” he said. “In my experience that always takes care of itself.
The important word is away.”

― Rincewind in Terry Pratchett, Eric
Town illustration

When you have a Town where your character can recover their HP and buy some items, you’re free to go out and explore. But how far from it do you dare to go? And how sure are you that it will still be there when you need it?

Ideally, when we have a Quest that we can’t finish or we fear a TPK (Total Party Kill), we go back to the Town, recover our HP and get some new items, resources, or even information to help us. The act of returning to our attachment figure is part of the attachment system, which gets triggered when we find an obstacle or threat, and fear that something bad is about to happen.

Attachment in Adulthood Book Cover

“The goal of the system is to establish a sense of protection or security (called by Sroufe & Waters, “felt security”), which normally terminates the system’s activation. (…) Feeling secure, a person can devote attention to matters other than self-protection; being well cared for, [they] can appreciate the feeling of being loved and valued; in some circumstances, [they] can take risks, being confident that help is readily available.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

However, our attachment figures may not always be available in the way we want. This would be the equivalent of Towns being too far away or, worse, lost to an enemy invasion.

How Far is Too Far?

So how far would you dare to explore, if you knew that you may not have a Town to return to anymore?

We all have this fear to a higher or lesser degree, depending on our past experiences. Unfortunately, if we’ve experienced this loss too many times, we can internalize the idea that we might be left to our own devices at any time without warning.

Town image with reversed colors

This is, often, an illusion that takes away our sense of security. Just like Illusion Spells, they make us focus on them while losing sight of what’s in front of us. Those with fairly accessible attachment figures may experience a simple Minor Illusion that may cause a slight distraction for a few turns. Others may fail their saves against a Fear spell. In really bad cases, some may experience Illusory Dragons that could result in real damage to yourself and others.

“Attachment-insecure people may be less able to trust others and accurately detect cues of their benevolence”, and these “negative appraisals of others seem to lead attachment-insecure people to ignore, dismiss, or forget positive instances of a partner’s responsiveness.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Any Strategy is Better than No Strategy

So what do we do to deal with insecurity? There are two main strategies. You may try to:

Stay close to the Town. Even better, never leave. The fear of going away and help not being readily available is too great to risk losing it. So stay in. Don’t explore. Don’t level up. Someone else can go and save the world. Also, don’t use any items or potions… (because you have to hoard ALL items in case you must face the BBEG at any time…)

Fantasy Cleric Illustration
Since there’s no safe haven, you might as well learn to heal yourself (?)

You think that if your strategy depended on going to the Town in times of need, if (or when) it’s not available, it’ll be Game Over. So you choose to rely exclusively on yourself. Go out, become strong, and never look back or depend on anything or anyone.

“Interacting with unresponsive attachment figures who fail to provide a safe haven and secure base in times of need fosters reliance on secondary attachment strategies: hyperactivation and deactivation of the attachment system. If continued over time, use of one or both of these strategies leads to the development of an insecure attachment style: anxious, avoidant, or a mixture of both (“fearful avoidant,” disorganized).” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

The Consequences of Insecurity

Not being able to use the resources in the Town, you’ll be stuck only with the items that you can loot by yourself (if any).

Attachment Theory Expanded Book Cover

“Attachment-insecure people are often unwilling or unable to seek the protection and support of [an attachment figure] in times of need.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Not only do “attachment insecurities seem to create many obstacles to dating success.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver), they can also lead to higher stress, physical and mental health issues, relational problems, performance at work, and much more.

“Insecurely attached people harbor serious doubts about their self-worth and self-efficacy. They lean toward hopeless, helpless patterns of causal explanation; are susceptible to rejection, criticism, and disapproval; and suffer from self-criticism and destructive perfectionism.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

What about dating?

Heart-Shaped Love Potion

“Attachment insecurities seem to create many obstacles to dating success.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Lacking attachment figures to rely on can make you seem “clingy” or “too cold” for any successful dating to happen. Not only are these two options less sexy to outsiders (“anxious and avoidant partners were both rated as less attractive than secure ones” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver) ), they can also increase your frustration when looking for (or trying to keep) a partner.

That anxiety when they haven’t texted you yet? Anxiety. That feeling that you can’t stand being too emotionally close to someone? Avoidance.

The Magic Pill

Male Character with Gun, Rapier, and eyepatch.
If you decide to play solo, you’ll have to multiclass… a lot

Ok. There’s no magic pill. BUT there is a solution. It is possible for insecure people (a.k.a. everyone, to a higher or lesser degree) to gain the Skill of Earned Security. And although it’s tempting to try to get it alone (Healers, I’m looking at you), it’s better and much easier to gain it with the help of others.

You can try to adopt the attitudes and patterns of a secure person, but it won’t be of much use unless you have several “islands of security”.

So here’s your next Quest: find (and rely on) some secure attachment figures that can act as your islands of security! The loot will be a happier life not only in your dating life but in all other aspects as well!

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Attachment Figures: Your Towns

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“There were temples, their doors wide open, filling the streets with the sounds of gongs, cymbals and, in the case of some of the more conservative fundamentalist religions, the brief screams of the victims. There were shops whose strange wares spilled out on to the pavement. There seemed to be rather a lot of friendly young ladies who couldn’t afford many clothes.”

Terry Pratchett, Mort

Towns are places where you can recover your HP, remove any negative status effects, and gather information or acquire items that will help you go back out, explore, and finish more Quests.

Drawing of a medieval town

It’s what in Attachment Theory is called an Attachment Figure. “Attachment figures are not just close, important relationship partners. They are special individuals to whom a person turns when protection and support are needed.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

You may run away from a battle because most of your Party was badly hurt: You realized that you won’t defeat those enemies unless you are healed, get new skills, or buy some items. And while skills can come naturally with grinding, you can often get it all solved in a Town.

Attachment Figures can be romantic partners, parents, family members, teachers, managers, therapists, leaders, and more. In fact, Mikulincer and Shaver argue that this list can also include social groups, organizations, sociopolitical entities, supernatural figures, or sometimes even pets.

Book cover of Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver

“Attachment provides both a safe haven and a secure base for personal growth toward mature autonomy.” (Attachment in Adulthood, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

These Attachment Figures make it much easier for us to explore the world with the knowledge that, when that Boss kicks our ass, we have somewhere to recover and try again.

“The transformation of a romantic partner into an attachment figure is a gradual process that depends on the extent to which the person functions as (1) a target for proximity seeking; (2) a source of protection, comfort, support, and relief in times of need (safe haven); and (3) a secure base, encouraging the individual to pursue his or her goals in a safe relational context” (Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman)

Healing (Safe Haven)

Illustration of a temple
A Temple, a Safe Haven to recover some HP

The Camp, an Inn, or a Temple are usually the first stops after a tough fight. There’s nothing new for us to gain, but it is crucial to restore our HP and remove any debuffs before even thinking about what to do next.

That’s what a Safe Haven is, “a source of protection, comfort, support, and relief in times of need.” (Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman)

Dynamics of Romantic Love, by Mario Mikulincer and Gail S. Goodman

Inanimate objects, substances, and places can also serve as a Safe Haven, but they lack the Secure Base part of the equation that would encourage you to go out and explore. They can also sometimes become addictive or create dependency, which defeats the purpose of an Attachment Figure.

When you’re feeling down, upset or hurt, who do you go to that can bring you back on your feet? And once you recover, what’s your next step? After all, always staying in the safety of the Town makes you an NPC.

“The secure-base function becomes evident only after a safe haven has been provided by a responsive caregiver.” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

Get Items! (Secure Base)

8-bit image of a supermarket cashier
Want to see my wares?

Once you’ve recovered your HP and are free from the effects of poison or any other debuffs, you might want to start looking for ways to get over these new obstacles.

You can often find help from merchants, shops, blacksmiths, and anyone willing to sell/give you useful items. These are your Secure Bases, which will allow you to get back out there and complete your Quest.

IRL, these are often figures you see as ‘wiser’ and that have given you the tools to take on new challenges. Parents, teachers, doctors, and even some support groups or institutions can be included in this category.

“A secure base for exploration, (…) empowers secure people to explore (…) with confidence that support will be available if they come upon difficult, conflictual, or confounding material,” (Attachment Theory Expanded, by Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver)

But wait! There’s more!

Not all those who have the power to heal and give us items count as Attachment Figures.

Book cover of Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

For Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, they also need to:

  • Be available: They can help you when you want to be helped, in the way you need to be helped. There’s no use for a potion to cure poison if you’re petrified, or a Revivify spell if you’ve been cursed (unless going to Valhalla and coming back removes the Curse).
  • Not interfere: Micromanaging and taking away power from the person in need defeats the purpose of a Secure Base for exploration. The game would be quite boring if the NPCs took care of ALL your enemies for you. That would also give you no XP.
  • Encourage: Do they make you feel like you will eventually be able to do it on your own? There’s a reason most NPCs look up to you, the Hero. What if any new Quest you found came with an “I don’t think you’ll be any good, but sure, give it a shot”? You’d probably feel like leaving to do something else.

This list is similar to Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver‘s other components of a security-enhancing attachment: Sensitivity, Mentalizing Stance, and Responsiveness.

Go and explore!

Whatever Quest you’re considering, make sure you have Attachment Figures ready to help you when things get difficult.

And even if they don’t meet all the requirements, some can act only as a Safe Haven or Secure Base depending on the context and your specific needs. So don’t discard them when you need help! Just know who to reach out to and when.

8-bit illustration of a fantasy cleric, wizard, fighter and barbarian orc
Who’re you gonna call? (Ghostbusters?)

Surround yourself with those who can support you on your Quests so that you can go out and explore with the confidence that, whatever happens, you’ll have somewhere to get the help you need to go back out, complete the Quest, and level up!

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