The Skill to approach any NPC is one of the first things gamers learn because interacting with NPCs is often the only way to move forward with your adventure. They’ll give you the items you need, show you the right place on the map, unlock specific events, or even share the password to access the secret society that controls the world from the shadows. Unfortunately, many of us don’t translate this mindset to real life.
In her book Flirtology, Jean Smith gives gender-neutral, easy ways to meet new people with no attachment to outcome while focusing on testing for interest.
Although it’s supposed to focus on flirting (and there is a bit of that), I think its strength lies more on how to meet people to date.
Power Word: Reject
The fear of being rejected has probably cost you countless lost opportunities: that high school crush, that friend you never confessed to, that cosplayer who was supposed to be a knight but showed enough skin to pass as a barbarian…
In reality, “rejection is one of the most powerful tools we have. (…) [It] can also work as an effective weeding-out mechanism.” It can show you which NPCs are are willing to join your Quest, and which ones aren’t. After all, “you don’t have to attract everyone. You have to attract the right people.”
Not everyone will be a good fit for your Party: If you’re already playing a Healer or a Bard, you may not want to waste a slot for a member with the same Class. But the only way you’ll find out is after talking to them.
Rejection Ward
Now, this sounds very nice, but… how do you actually protect yourself from Rejection? After all, it’ could take you out of combat instantly.
One of the best Rejection Wards is to realize that “we are only responsible for our own part in any interaction. We have no control over other people’s responses.”
This is the one time where you’re free to do what your character would do. Assuming you’re behaving within the legal and moral standards of the local culture, of course.
Roll for Initiative
Who should make the first move? You. You’re the one who’s interested. You should make the first move to see if they’re interested. Sure, easier said than done. Unless… you get used to talking to everyone.
“Approach them, ask a question, and then gauge their reaction. (In fact, don’t just do this with one person, do it with everyone in the room.)”
Just as athletes practice before a match and actors rehearse several times (even the ones doing improv theater), you might find it much easier to practice in a lower difficulty first while you gain XP and start leveling up.
Once you’re used to approaching and talking to everyone, even if you’re anxious talking to someone attractive, you’ll know what to do. Because you’ve done it multiple times before!
The Dreaded Friendzone
Ok! You’ve learned that NPCs giving you one line of dialogue doesn’t say anything about your character build, and you can start a conversation. But how can you know whether this character willing to join your Party is romanceable or not?
This is when you need to be vulnerable like a Barbarian. “You have to show your hand, to let them know that you are properly interested in them: you have romantic intentions.” Scary, right?
Jean Smith has a checklist to try to guess if someone’s flirting with you (I’d use them with care, since cultural differences, personality traits, and alcohol can distort how you interpret them).
You can use that same list to show interest:
- Humor
Do they enjoy the same humor you do? If not, could you live with that if you’re looking for a long-term relationship?
- Open Body Language
Are your/their arms open and are you/they relaxed? Are you facing each other or looking around the room for a way out of the situation?
- Touch
Although highly culture-dependent (just like body language), you can use touch to show interest. But go slow and do it with care. Everyone has different levels of tolerance, so notice how they react with each interaction. When in doubt, avoid it.
- Attention
Let them know you’re engaged in the conversation. Use active listening, ask relevant open-ended questions, be vulnerable, and show interest.
- Proximity
Same as with touch, you can get closer as long as you see that they’re comfortable with the new distance.
- Eye Contact
There’s usually a sweet spot between noticing the interesting bumps in the floorboards and winning a staring contest. It’s normal to look away every now and then, especially when you’re thinking of something to say. But if you look away too often they’ll think you’re trying to find someone else more interesting to talk to.
Last, but not least, my favorite form of flirting so far:
- Giving Compliments
- “If you find someone attractive, you are going to be thinking nice things about them – about their smile, their eyes, their sharp sense of humor. Why not tell them?”
- “Compliments only work if they are genuine. Say what you mean.”
- “Part of appearing genuine is giving a compliment that is specific to the person.”
- “The point of a compliment is to make someone feel good, not embarrassed.”
Too much too fast?
Ok. Take it easy. You don’t have to face the BBEG just yet. You can practice most of these (probably all) with everyone you know and meet. Just try one at a time, keep it light and playful, and avoid being too intense. In most cases, people won’t interpret that as romantic flirting, but just as friendly attention and closeness.
Pick one, find the version that makes you slightly uncomfortable, and give yourself XP every time you practice. If you keep grinding you’ll see how much you can achieve that you thought was impossible.
And if you need help, join me on Discord! I’m active there, and looking forward to creating a community of fellow nerds to help you level up your dating life!
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